


Wish

by AtomicNebula13



Category: xxxHoLic
Genre: M/M, Manga Spoilers, POV First Person, Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 11:54:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6078360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtomicNebula13/pseuds/AtomicNebula13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A window into the thoughts of one, Doumeki Shizuka, and why he chose to destroy the small bit of happiness Watanuki had found.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wish

**Author's Note:**

> Songfic, inspired by "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind.  
> Warning: Spoilers! If you have not read up to Volume 6, do not read. You have been warned! Enjoy!

Wish

'I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend  
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in  
And if you do not want to see me again  
I would understand'

Did you think I would just stand by and watch you die? Let you disappear from existence, like you were never born at all?

I couldn't, I won't, I will never allow that to happen.

Watanuki, you think no one in this world would care if you were to vanish, but you're wrong. Why can't you see that? Why don't you understand how frustrating it is to watch you dismiss your own well being like it was nothing, when I fight so hard to protect you?

These thoughts invade my head as I walk through the hallways of the school, just as they have for the past couple of days. I pay no mind to the other bodies that meander around me, worrying over trivial things like school yard crushes, movies with friends. None of these people can truly grasp the gravity of what really exists in this world, yet one of their peers has had to deal with those truths his entire life.

Sure, before I knew you, I thought you were strange… actually I still do, but now I understand why. I am aware of the secret you hold, the pain you keep buried deep down. You're well aware that you are different from those around you.

'The angry boy, a bit too insane  
Icing over a secret pain  
You know you don't belong'

Sometimes I find your frantic nature hard to handle, your angry tirades, always directed towards me are difficult to accept. You're annoying and loud, I've considered the possibility of earplugs many times.

'You're the first to fight  
You're way too loud'

Some days, I resent the fact that I am fated to be tied to you, not because I don't want to be, but because you don't want me.

I was already suspicious before when you told me Yuuko-san was out of town on business, but the day you collapsed I knew for sure that something was wrong with you. You claimed a cold, I knew better. You did not have a fever. I asked you point blank if you were involved with any spirits.

"No more than usual." You said.

You annoy me, you degrade me, you despise me and yet I can't help but continue to care about you. I hate it. I hate you.

I watched silently as you continued to deteriorate, not once did you confess you were meeting that woman, you knew I would tell you to stop. You refused to meet a doctor because you knew they would find no answers for you. Before Yuuko-san even told you, you knew that woman was the reason you were so violently ill.

She was killing you.

When I received the call from Yuuko-san to come fetch you, I was not surprised, but I was angry. She told me if you were to continue seeing that woman, you would be lost forever.

You lied to me.

I took you to my place where I cleaned you up, the clotted and dried blood on the palm of your hand was testament to just how close to death you were and yet you still told me that she was kind, caring. You still wanted to see her.

Watanuki, you knew that if you were to meet her again, you would die, but this woman… no, this thing filled a void within you. She eased that aching loneliness left in your heart by the death of your parents.

I don't know how I knew, perhaps I'm just that in tune with you but I realized when you were going to meet her again and I knew what I had to do. You forced this upon me, you made me choose.

I came upon the both of you in the park, I could see straight through her, she was indeed a spirit, I knew this all along. She reached out to touch you, to kill you.

"Don't touch him!" I yelled, allowing the frigid air to carry my voice to you.

'And your friends have left you  
You've been dismissed  
I never thought it would come to this  
And I, I want you to know

Everyone's got to face down the demons  
Maybe today we can put the past away'

I raised my bow, I'm going to exorcise this demon, I will use my purifying nature to rid you of this woman. I'll make her disappear because I can't bear the thought of you doing the same.

'I can't watch you vanish forever, I can't let you disappear' these words repeat over and over in my head, a mantra, and it is in this moment that I know for sure… I can't live without you. I do not hate you but I refuse to dwell on what that truly means.

You put your frail, sick body between me and that thing, trying to protect the entire reason you're withering away.

I shoot anyway knowing full well that you won't move but she accepts her fate and disappears, letting you know before she goes that she is no longer lonely.

I don't care if she's lonely or not, nothing of her concerns me, I won't let you die.

You're crying, tears flowing from those bewitchingly forlorn, sapphire eyes but I'm not sorry for what I've done.

You ask me why, was it because she wasn't human?

"No."

"It's just what I chose to do." I say, as my golden eyes, the color of the sun on an autumn day meet yours and I can see the pain, the hurt, and the hatred burning in your eyes. Even if you hate me for the rest of your days, I will never regret what I've done. I saved you, I didn't let you disappear.

'I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend  
You could cut ties with all the lies  
That you've been living in and if you do not want to see me again  
I would understand'

You slip into the abyss, weakened from the days trials, from that demon stealing away your soul. I bend down, picking you up. You've lost weight, Watanuki, your frame even more waif-like than ever before. I'm glad you aren't awake, you would never let me hold you like this if you were. I cradled your body against mine as I make the trek to Yuuko-san's shop, you're still here, she'll be home by now and she will be able to help you.

When you finally return to school, for the first time I feel nervous and isolated because I'm sure you will never be willing to speak to me again. My heart squeezes painfully in my chest at the loss of your friendship, however, it was worth it because you're still here.

Our eyes connect in the hallway but I duck my head and continue to walk past you. I won't force myself upon you.

"Wait."

For a moment I'm not sure if you actually spoke or if I just imagined hearing that, if my mind just conjured up your voice because I so desperately want to hear you speak to me again.

I turn to you but you're facing away. You invite me to eat lunch with you and Kunogi, as her guest of course, not because you want me there.

My golden eyes are wide in shock, it's a round about way, certainly half assed, but you're forgiving me.

A wry smirk graces my face before I demand sushi I'm positive you haven't made. For once, I want you to yell at me and you do, long limbs flailing wildly in the air and I plug my finger in my ear.

'I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend'

You didn't choose to come back from the edge of death, you forced that decision upon me but that was my wish. I wished for you to stay, to live, to not vanish into nothingness, and I made it our reality.

'I would understand'

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any mistakes!


End file.
